Hello. Welcome to live coverage of Manchester United 4-7 West Ham, as a ludicrous defence and ludicrous attack take on the jaunty West Ham.

United in control now. Song has been awful.

GOAL! Manchester United 2-0 West Ham United. Van Persie scores. Falcao pokes a ball right for Van Persie, who shimmies in the box and fires into the far corner.

Rafael skins a defender, stays up, and pulls a great pass back for Rooney, who wastes a great chance with a poor shot.

Free kick for West Ham, taken shot to find Demel on the right, and Tomkins heads his corner backwards, away from goal.

A poor shot from Di Maria. A number of passes around the box end when Blind fires in a good pass for the winger. He tries to curl a shot into the top corner, but it's wide.

West Ham's passing is pretty good so far. If they keep that up it should do for the United defence.

Falcao uses strength to barge through the midfield, and finds Di Maria on the left. His cross is easily claimed at the near post.

The game has calmed down a little bit, but neither is on top.

Di Maria lays the ball off to Falcao, and he slices a long range shot well wide of goal.

Rooney fires in another cross to the back post, just a yard too high for Van Persie. Rooney has been excellent so far.

United are in their own half trying to get out, but haven't got the fluency just yet.

Terrible from Valencia. Blind loops a backpass over the two central defenders, Valencia runs onto a one-on-one, and he smashes a shot well over.

GOAL! Manchester United 1-0 West Ham. Rooney scores. Rafael steams down the right, driving into space. He squares a cross for Rooney, running towards the near post, and he clips an excellent shot into the far corner.

Song gets himself into the book after another foul on Di Maria, clipping him from behind.

Rooney curls in a free kick from 40 yards, and it's a fraction ahead of Falcao. It was an excellent ball forward.

Di Maria takes his first dramatic tumble of the match after Song goes through the back of him.

Five minutes to go, and United still haven't conceded.

He looks pretty calm to me.

I'm going to predict a 3-1 win for West Ham. What are your predictions?

If you'd like to get in touch with me throughout the match you can do so on @lxndrnthrtn. Please be nicer than you were last week. To cheer you up, here's a man getting riled up at Liverpool *and* Everton.

Here's something a bit less serious about Ronaldo.