Aaaaaaarrrrggghhhh! It is upon us! Happy holidays, football mubarak, chag sameakh and merry World Cup! After four long, lonesome years, now we are whole again. So what of Russia v Saudi Arabia? Well, he said, answering his own question, Russia are not very good. They haven't won in seven games and weren't great before that, so face a struggle to get out of this group, which has neither greatness nor drek. Saudi Arabia, meanwhile, have run both Germany and Italy close recently, and won't role over today. But the reality is that Russians and Saudis aside, no one really cares because what's to care about? The World Cup is here!
World Cup / Group Stage
Luzhniki Stadium / 14.06.2018
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- Y. Gazinsky(12')
- D. Cheryshev(43', 90+1')
- A. Dzyuba(71')
- A. Golovin(90+4')
Live
Live Updates
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Updated 14/06/2018 at 17:59 GMT+1
14'
We see a shot of the Saudi crown prince shaking hands with Putin. "They're doing an oil deal," says Clive Tyldesley, which I guess is better than an arms deal, yeah?
12'
GOAL! Russia 1-0 Saudi Arabia (Gazinski) The corner is cleared, but Zobain and Golovin make an angle for another cross, close to the corner of the box. It picks out Gazinski at the back post, and he shoves Taiseer before guiding a fine header into the far corner for his first international goal!
11'
Saudi haven't got going yet, and Zobain, breaking at inside-right, slides a pass into the stride of Dzagoev.He gathers well but shoots wide - via deflection, apparently, and that'll be another corner...
11'
9'
Dzagoev flicks on and Golovin attacks the outside of Alburayy before Zhirkov wins a corner ... that he overhits and then some. But Russia have started well.
7'
Nice from Golovin who wins the ball deep inside his own half, beats one challenge and sends Dzagoev away down the left. Bereft of options, he cuts back and it ends up with Smolov down the right., He crosses well to the near post, but Omar is there to crunch clear.
6'
Bit of pressure from Saudi, but then Tiaseer sells Abdullah short and he has to come huffing out of his goal to clear. Yasser then streaks forward from left-back and crosses - the ball passes a hand and there are shouts for a penalty, but the ref is having no such thing.
3'
Zobanin wins Russia a corner down the left and Zhirkov - yes, it really is him - curls it towards the near post, where Osama heads clear. Quickly, the ball ends up with Akinfeev, then makes its way down to the other end, where Abdullah humps clear.
2'
It's all Russia so far! The get the ball into Dzagoev down the right of the box, but Yasser and Omar crowd him out and Saudi get the ball clear.
1'
Yurrrrrsssss! ITV miss the kick-off!
16:00
Interesting formation from the Saudis.
15:58
The Russia anthem is still an absolute banger. Needs a jungle remix, but still.
15:57
Yes! Time for one of my favourite things in any World Cup: footballers singing out of tune, otherwise known as the national anthems. We start with Saudi, which is short.
15:55
Gianni Infantino is now talking. I do not have time or will to relate what he is saying. Rest assured, it's whatever.
15:55
"I wish success to all the teams.." Er, not sure old Vlad has quite grasped how competition works.
15:53
Russia is an "open, hospitable , friendly company". Narrator: "Provided you aren't gay, of colour, or Jewish."
15:52
He is talking about football being loved in Russia. The World Cup is a "wonderful event" and we shall be partaking of a 'splendid football feast".
15:51
*Piped cheers*
15:51
"Please welcome the president of the Russian federation, Vladimir Putin!"
15:51
Out come the players!
15:50
A heart-shaped Russian flag is run around the centre-circle. As a consequence, we have all forgotten about the warmongering, human rights violations and election interference.