Sam slams wasters

Like many a small business in today's credit-crunched economy, the Shop is feeling the pinch of recession.

Tittle-tattle is as thin as the wallet of the oppressed Joe Public, speculation is as rare as bankers rejecting immoral bonuses, and blatantly-unfounded-yet-headline-grabbing lies are as quiet as Avram Grant on retreat at a Trappist monastery.

And as if all that weren't enough, there's a slick-looking new shop just opened across the road with a giant banner advertising a two-day special on Champions League intrigue, involving the most exotic, exciting and attractive footie chat on the block.

All of which makes the news of the day seem, well, slightly pedestrian. After all, who's going to buy a packet of 'Leeds boss Simon Grayson shipping Lee Trundle back to Bristol at the end of his loan' when there's a special offer on 'Rafa Benitez latest whinge: Nobody gives me credit'?

So, in order to drum up a bit of interest, we've decided to 'sex-up' today's transfer dossier in a manner so blatant that even Alastair Campbell would be crossing his legs in embarassment.

BIG SAM SLAMS PLAYERS: Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce CRUCIFIED his players for THROWING AWAY their talent in a shocking six-letter tirade! "Wasted!" cries the Ewood Park boss - ADDING that his shambling team of misfits back at Bolton could have showed his current fancy-Dans a thing or two about hard work! Will he DO A REDKNAPP and bring in all his old workhorses this summer?

KEEP ME IN SOUTH YORKSHIRE: That's the cry from Halifax-born 'Irishman' Paddy Kenny, who confesses his DESPERATION to end his career with Sheffiled United - just two months after being transfer-listed... RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS!

DON'T PAY ME!: Loopy Bolton striker Mustapha Riga is so DESPERATE to get a match that he'll PLAY FOR FREE! Riga has struggled to earn a first-team spot since coming to England last summer - and is ITCHING SO BADLY for a game that he admits he'd "prefer not to get paid and play"!

BONKERS WATFORD HELP PROMOTION RIVALS!: Watford's CRACKPOT manager Brendan Rogers helped out Derby County by loaning them John Eustace - DESPITE the fact that Watford are JUST 14 POINTS shy of the play-off spots - and the Rams are even closer at just 11 short!!!!

PHILOSOPHER VAN PERSIE LOVES GRASS!: "I've a friend who says the grass always looks greener in your NEIGHBOUR'S garden - and he's right!" says the DUTHCMAN, who will STAY WITH THE GUNNERS despite his HORTICULTURAL shortcomings!

(And finally, because Gossip Shop just wouldn't feel right without a Manchester City reference):

PEOPLE WILL THINK CITY ARE A DECENT SIDE: Manchester City SKIPPER Richard Dunne SLAMMED the club's UEFA rivals for DUMPING their chances in Europe's second-tier contest. "The longer we stay in Europe, the more our name is lingering around and the more people will think that City are a decent side!" EXPLAINED Dunne!