The Warm-Up: Ed and Jose's family affair
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Updated 02/08/2018 at 08:56 GMT+1
Jack Lang checks in with the Man United joy parade, salutes Helder Postiga and pretends to care about pre-season games...
Manager Jose Mourinho of Manchester United gestures during the International Champions Cup match against Real Madrid at Hard Rock Stadium on July 31, 2018 in Miami, Florida.
Image credit: Getty Images
THURSDAY’S BIG STORIES
Misery roadshow: still running
Just when you thought Ed Woodward wasn’t capable of pushing the dial on the reputation-o-meter any further into the red, the poor bloke decides to dust off his best Alan Partridge impression in front of a load of journalists with smartphones.
All together now: “Jose! Jose! Jose! Jose! Jose! Jose! I’ll get him later… JOSE! JOSE! JOSE! JOSE!”
Except, of course, that this was no candid-camera moment: it took place in a mixed zone (kind of a safari park for journalists, if you were wondering) and was entirely performative. Woodward clearly judged that a little Steve-Coogan-related embarrassment was a small price to pay for a much-needed publicity win at the end of a torrid Manchester United tour.
The Warm-Up can only imagine how stilted the conversation was after Alan – sorry, Ed – got his breath back after that little sprint, but it presumably leaned towards the practical. “If you could just stand here for a couple of seconds and look vaguely friendly, I promise to buy you Ivan Perisic.”
Yet even Woody’s best efforts couldn’t keep the PR train on track for long. Enter Anthony Martial, reportedly the recipient of a chunky fine for not instantly returning to training after the birth of his daughter, and wielding the straightest bat this side of a Rahul Dravid highlights reel.
“My little Swan is fine,” the Frenchman tweeted. “For the mum it was harder but thanks to God she’s better now. Sorry but my family will always come first. Back tomorrow in Manchester.”
In a way, of course, Martial is getting his wires crossed a bit. Mourinho is his family. It’s just that he’s the cranky old bloke all the kids are waiting for poor old auntie to divorce.
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José Mourinho imprimé sur un T-shirt
Image credit: Getty Images
Me so Sarri
Arsenal vs Chelsea. Rebuild job vs rebuild job. Unai Emery vs Maurizio Sarri. What would we learn from this thrilling Wednesday-night tango in Dublin?
Absolutely nothing; it was a pre-season friendly and pre-season friendlies are more meaningless than the The Warm-Up’s life.
Wait, you’re still here? FINE. Alvaro Morata missed a penalty and generally looked about as dangerous as a mortar made of mortadella. Arsenal youngster Matteo Guendouzi – who looks like a cross between Cesc Fabregas and David Luiz – looked sharp again. And Sarri stoked the rumour mill (Does one ‘stoke’ a mill? Must remember to research mills) by admitting that he’s in the dark over Willian failing to report for training this week.
“I want to speak to Willian before I answer these questions,” the Italian said. “I am not happy about this situation but, before I answer, I would like to speak to him. Is it a strange situation? I think so.”
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Chelsea-Inter, International Champions Cup 2018: l'allenatore del Chelsea Maurizio Sarri (Getty Images)
Image credit: Getty Images
Bhoys on tour
Celtic are through to whatever the next round of Champions League qualifying is after grinding out a 0-0 draw with Rosenborg. The bad news for them is that there is now a very real possibility the Champions League will be cancelled, with tournament bosses reportedly looking at invoking the age-old “No Bendtner, no party” rule.
IN OTHER NEWS
This week in the world of competitive transfer announcement videos:
We need a new version of “jumped the shark” that reflects the sheer relentlessness and magnitude of this phenomenon. Suggestions on a postcard please.
HEROES AND ZEROES
Hero: Gareth Southgate
Lock up your waistcoats: the Pizza Hut Kid is set to be offered a new contract by the FA after England’s sugar-rush World Cup campaign. Now do excuse The Warm-Up; we’ve got a date with Atomic Kitten’s Spotify profile and a tattered World Cup guide.
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Gareth Southgate, Manager of England celebrates at the final whistle following victory during the 2018 FIFA World Cup Russia Quarter Final match between Sweden and England at Samara Arena
Image credit: Getty Images
Zeroes: Forest Green Rovers
Stars on kits to represent titles won: OK, fine. You’ve earned the bragging rights.
Stars on kits to represent, erm, future successes? IN THE BIN WITH YOU.
“A star is printed above the player name to signify the club’s promotion to the Football League in 2017,” read a statement accompanying Forest Green Rovers’ kit launch this week. And then came the hubris: “with two stars greyed out to represent the chairman Dale Vince’s ambition to reach the Championship in the coming seasons.”
No.
RETRO CORNER
The Warm-Up would like to wish a very happy birthday to the taker of the greatest penalty in the history of football. Not, not Antonin Panenka. Not Zinedine Zidane or Andrea Pirlo either. Not Kevin Pressman or Charles Aranguiz (although high five for thinking of that one) or Johan Cruyff or even Diana Ross.
Drum roll please for…
The fact that moment of arrogant beauty came from Postiga, a man best known for performing a disappearing act at Tottenham, only elevates it further. But the Portuguese striker did have a few more decent moments – mainly in La Liga – before hanging his boots up a couple of years ago.
HAT TIP
It has been so unbelievably and immensely long since I slightly loved Mourinho that even mentioning this vignette feels like exhuming a Paleolithic artefact, turning it over in your hands and thinking: Ugh. This is dirty and I have no idea what it is or ever was.
Marina Hyde on Mourinho: I want to go to there.
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Jose Mourinho is on tour with Manchester United in the United States
Image credit: PA Sport
COMING UP
Three words to strike fear into the heart of anyone who values their summer holiday: Europa! League! Qualifying!
We’re talking MASSIVE clashes like Atromitos vs Dinamo Brest, Alashkert vs Sutjeska (ooooh, will What’s His Name score against his old club?!) and Vikingur vs Torpedo Kutaisi. It doesn’t get much better.
Oh, but Burnley vs Aberdeen (7.45pm) might be just about watchable.
Sunday, Monday break my heart. Tuesday, Wednesday fall apart. Thursday, oh, don’t even start, but Friday is OK because Tom Adams is on Warm-Up duty.
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