The Warm-Up: Overachievers anonymous and untimely emojis
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Updated 10/05/2018 at 09:39 GMT+1
Jack Lang brings news of untimely emojis, groan-inducing TripAdvisor reviews and football's next great feud...
Huddersfield Town manager David Wagner is thrown into the air by the players as they celebrate Premier League safefy after the final whistle
Image credit: PA Sport
THURSDAY’S TOP STORIES
Hudd, sweat and tears
Honesty is the best policy, dear reader, so allow The Warm-Up to level with you from the off: the number of Huddersfield Town footballers that we could successfully identify walking down the street on a given Thursday afternoon is closer to zero than is ideal.
Aaron Mooy: yep, we’d recognise him. Jonas Lossl and Laurent Depoitre as well. Tom Ince, at a push, and maybe – maybe – Rajiv van La Parra, if he was wearing his kit and people were asking for autographs. But that’s assuming this street is in Huddersfield, which might be cheating a bit.
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Aaron Mooy of Huddersfield Town is challenged by Cesc Fabregas of Chelsea during the Premier League match between Chelsea and Huddersfield Town at Stamford Bridge on May 9, 2018 in London, England.
Image credit: Getty Images
After that, we’re struggling. We could take a few educated guesses on others, but Chris Lowe, Jonathan Hogg, Danny Williams and Collin Quaner all edge us into awkward-gritted-teeth-emoji territory.
Clearly, this doesn’t reflect well on The Warm-Up’s professionalism. But it is also a funny kind of testament to Huddersfield’s achievements this season. That their playing squad is textbook generic is a reflection of their modest resources and a reminder of where they’ve come from.
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Huddersfield Town's Belgian striker Laurent Depoitre (C) celebrates scoring the opening goal with Huddersfield Town's Danish midfielder Philip Billing (R) and Huddersfield Town's Dutch midfielder Rajiv van La Parra (L) during the English Premier League fo
Image credit: Getty Images
Nothing was expected of them in the Premier League, but they have been a brilliant addition to the top flight, all bustle and low-slung charm. And they’ll be doing it all again next season, too, last night’s dogged 1-1 draw at Stamford Bridge having edged them over the survival line.
There will be more challenges ahead, not least if (when) managerial superstar-in-waiting David Wagner is targeted by clubs with deeper pockets. But for now they deserve to revel in their moment – and the bonus is that they can probably head into town this weekend without the paparazzi having the first clue who they are.
Into Fergie time
Wait… you didn’t think he was done, did you?
There was excellent news last night from Manchester, where football’s premier ruddy-cheeked emperor edged towards another victory against the odds.
“Sir Alex no longer needs intensive care and will continue rehabilitation as an inpatient,” a statement from Man United read. “His family have been overwhelmed by the level of support and good wishes but continue to request privacy as this will be vital during this next stage of recovery.”
The old warhorse isn’t done yet, apparently. Which of course is pleasingly appropriate…
Swing low, sweet Marriott
August: Bright-eyed lovers of the beautiful game rejoice as domestic football returns, promising drama, glory and the noble pursuit of sporting excellence.
May:
IN OTHER NEWS
The Warm-Up looks for two main things in a footballer: unflinching commitment to the art of the toe punt and eminent quotability. Which is why Romario, even a decade into his retirement, remains a favourite in these parts.
The man known as “Shorty” in his homeland was asked by the Lance! newspaper (their exclamation mark, not ours) to give some advice to Gabriel Jesus on the eve of the World Cup, and came up with five words for the ages:
“Have a lot of sex.”
Truly a philosophy to live by, and while a lesser snarky news round-up would at this juncture stoop to crass jokes about “playing in the hole” or “penetrating runs”, The Warm-Up will take its cue from the admirable brevity of Romario’s aphorism and move swiftly on.
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Romario and Dixie Pratt
Image credit: Instagram
HEROES AND ZEROES
Hero: This guy
Introducing a new sporting supervillain, capable of sucking the joy from any game of football within a 50-mile radius. The evil b***ard.
“Call me… STALEMATE!” [CACKLES MANIACALLY FOR FOUR MINUTES]
Zero: Renato Sanches
The Warm-Up doesn’t tend to go in for all that “oooh, stop larking around and concentrate on playing football like we used to do in my day after a long shift down the mines” guff. Paul Pogba’s hair is cool and Dele Alli can play as much Fortnite as he likes, as far as we’re concerned.
But come on, people who run Renato Sanches’ social-media accounts. You don’t think you might have timed this post slightly better?
IN THE CHANNELS
These are halcyon days for keen observers of the Arsenal punditry industrial complex, what with #WengerOut having transitioned from teary mantra to disorienting reality and the actual team having pointedly failed to transition from grim disappointment to anything at all.
Every day brings a new opportunity for one of the old guard to wax lyrical about the departing Frenchman (“Jermaine Pennant: The Arsene I knew”), while also putting the boot in over the deep-set ennui that has colonised the Emirates (“Jermaine Pennant: Where’s the English passion?”).
Some have been more subtle than others, and ‘others’ in this case of course refers to Martin Keown, who memorably directed his full-beam outrage at Mesut Ozil at the weekend. It created a minor stir (and probably earnt a lot of clicks) but most expected that to be the end of it.
Former Arsenal defender Keown was less than impressed by Ozil.
Image credit: PA Sport
But no, here comes Ozil’s agent, Dr. Erkut Sogut, coming in off a long old run-up and armed with the good stuff. “Perhaps he just wants to remain relevant,” he told Goal.com. “Or maybe it is due to jealousy? Is he envious about the money and exposure that current footballers have?
“He was an Arsenal reserve so left for Everton and Aston Villa because he wasn’t good enough. He returned to Arsenal but was still a reserve – always in the shadow of Adams/Bould/Dixon/Winterburn and then Campbell/Toure/Lauren/Cole.”
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Mesut Özil vom FC Arsenal
Image credit: Getty Images
All of which is fairly zingy stuff, but Sogut then went one step further, aiming an arrow at Keown’s heart. Yes, he questioned his status as an Invincible.
“In the 2004 Invincible season, Arsene Wenger let him play the last minute vs Leicester to qualify for a winner’s medal. Otherwise he would not be an Invincible because he didn’t play enough games. He wasn’t a real part of the team.”
Two things spring to mind here. One: that Keown is unlikely to let this riposte go unanswered, and thus that we may just have stumbled upon football’s next great feud – a Wenger/Fergie for the zero-hours generation. And two: Sky Sports would do well to get Sogut in as a pundit as soon as is humanly possible.
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Arsene Wenger, Martin Keown
Image credit: Getty Images
COMING UP
Roll up, roll up: it’s time for another edition of Can Manchester United Get Motivated Against a Lesser Premier League Team?! West Brom and Brighton have both walked away with the top prize in recent weeks, and now it’s West Ham’s turn to try their luck.
Also worth keeping an eye on: whether Jose Mourinho’s “motivational masterclass” at the weekend coaxes something out of Anthony Martial and Marcus Rashford. Because everyone loves being told they’re not good enough.
Tomorrow’s Warm-Up will be Tom Adams’ last in a universe in which Arsene Wenger is Arsenal manager. Expect a string section.
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